The famous psychologist Wayne Dyer said “there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way”.
This statement seems to tell us that there is no thing, person or event that can change our inner world and change how we feel.
What Is Happiness?
My wife is a Filipina and she is a native speaker of the Tagalog language. The Tagalog language is rather honest when it comes to talking about happiness because it has two basic words to talk about it: masaya and maligaya.
The word masaya refers to happiness induced by some form of stimulation, or, in other words, happiness that comes from being on some kind of high (food, alcohol, sex, fun etc.), maligaya on the other hand refers to an inner condition, an even keeled, imperturbable state of peace and inner harmony (https://italpinoy1967.wordpress.com/2019/01/17/the-filipino-concept-of-happiness-masaya-vs-maligaya/)
External things give us a temporary sense of high and we believe that if we get them we will somehow be able to lock it in and keep it, but it doesn’t quite work that way.
All of us well know that a high is always followed by a low.
Marriage works exactly in the same way: it gives us a series of highs that are inevitably followed by a huge series of (longer) lows.
Eckart Tolle put it very bluntly in his book “The Power of Now” where he has a chapter on intimate relationships that, in one of its passages, says something along the lines of ‘you are on a high when the drug is available but even the possibility or the thought that he or she might not be there for you can give rise to very negative feelings’
A spouse is not always there for us, a spouse can be depressed, frustrated, angry, aloof and so on, so there is no way to rely on marriage to get a constant stream of inner bliss.
A spouse can make us masaya but marriage has no power to produce a state of maligaya, only where we live internally can.
In the famous movie “Joe vs the Volcano” with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan there is a particular scene where Meg Ryan’s character says something along the lines of “most people on earth are asleep, and the few that are awake are in a costant state of amazement”.
My father was a man who achieved pretty much everything he set out to achieve but he was in a constant state of anxiety and dissatisfaction and he was a heavy smoker and smoke eventually killed him.
Growing up and seeing my father constantly in a state of restlessness taught me from a very early age the very important lesson that external things don’t have any power over our emotions. They can’t give us peace. So I entered my marriage not expecting it to give me a “constant state of amazement”.
Everything we want we want it because of the good feeling we’ll get
The famous motivational speaker Tony Robbins stresses over and over again a very important point: everything we want (including a relationship), the real reason why we want it is because of the feeling we’ll get if we get that thing or that person, and the reality is that we can have that feeling right now by simply learning how to manage our states and be in friendly terms with the present moment.
If marriage doesn’t inherently make us happy what is then the point of a relationship?
THE PURPOSE OF A RELATIONSHIP IS TO MAGNIFY THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE
This means that a relationship can only add to what you already possess.
A neurotic and depressed person is likely going to stay neurotic and depressed even after marriage.
This means that, far from being a place to get happiness, marriage is a place to give, a place to share the happiness we are supposed to already possess before we even start thinking about getting married.
That’s all I have to say for today, short and sweet. Hope it helps someone out there.
Share this:
What Is Happiness?
My wife is a Filipina and she is a native speaker of the Tagalog language. The Tagalog language is rather honest when it comes to talking about happiness because it has two basic words to talk about it: masaya and maligaya.
The word masaya refers to happiness induced by some form of stimulation, or, in other words, happiness that comes from being on some kind of high (food, alcohol, sex, fun etc.), maligaya on the other hand refers to an inner condition, an even keeled, imperturbable state of peace and inner harmony (https://italpinoy1967.wordpress.com/2019/01/17/the-filipino-concept-of-happiness-masaya-vs-maligaya/)
External things give us a temporary sense of high and we believe that if we get them we will somehow be able to lock it in and keep it, but it doesn’t quite work that way.
All of us well know that a high is always followed by a low.
Marriage works exactly in the same way: it gives us a series of highs that are inevitably followed by a huge series of (longer) lows.
Eckart Tolle put it very bluntly in his book “The Power of Now” where he has a chapter on intimate relationships that, in one of its passages, says something along the lines of ‘you are on a high when the drug is available but even the possibility or the thought that he or she might not be there for you can give rise to very negative feelings’
A spouse is not always there for us, a spouse can be depressed, frustrated, angry, aloof and so on, so there is no way to rely on marriage to get a constant stream of inner bliss.
A spouse can make us masaya but marriage has no power to produce a state of maligaya, only where we live internally can.
In the famous movie “Joe vs the Volcano” with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan there is a particular scene where Meg Ryan’s character says something along the lines of “most people on earth are asleep, and the few that are awake are in a costant state of amazement”.
My father was a man who achieved pretty much everything he set out to achieve but he was in a constant state of anxiety and dissatisfaction and he was a heavy smoker and smoke eventually killed him.
Growing up and seeing my father constantly in a state of restlessness taught me from a very early age the very important lesson that external things don’t have any power over our emotions. They can’t give us peace. So I entered my marriage not expecting it to give me a “constant state of amazement”.
Everything we want we want it because of the good feeling we’ll get
The famous motivational speaker Tony Robbins stresses over and over again a very important point: everything we want (including a relationship), the real reason why we want it is because of the feeling we’ll get if we get that thing or that person, and the reality is that we can have that feeling right now by simply learning how to manage our states and be in friendly terms with the present moment.
If marriage doesn’t inherently make us happy what is then the point of a relationship?
THE PURPOSE OF A RELATIONSHIP IS TO MAGNIFY THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE
This means that a relationship can only add to what you already possess.
A neurotic and depressed person is likely going to stay neurotic and depressed even after marriage.
This means that, far from being a place to get happiness, marriage is a place to give, a place to share the happiness we are supposed to already possess before we even start thinking about getting married.
That’s all I have to say for today, short and sweet. Hope it helps someone out there.
Share this:
source https://meantforeachotherforever.wordpress.com/2020/12/01/the-famous-psychologist-wayne-dyer-said-there-is-no-way-to-happiness-happiness-is-the-way/
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